dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
