when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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