I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize