It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
