I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
