On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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