yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
