I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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