Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
