vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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