It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
