he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
love makes seman taste better
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
