i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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