dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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