Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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