textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
