I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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