just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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