My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
