someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
