If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There r osticjed everywhere
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
