For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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