I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
