I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
a search helicopter?!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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