Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
