I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
