It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
