nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
