my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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