One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
