I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
