im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
They took my balls.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
