just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
