Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize