you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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