Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
