my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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