This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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