i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
