tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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