a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
