i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
