just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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