I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
