shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My hand turned me down
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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