I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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