Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
