Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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