she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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