I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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