matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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