Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
