found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
