Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
