i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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