i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
