he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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