I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
