I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
