i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
