I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Vodka?
Forever.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
