your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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