i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
