I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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